Saturday, 28 July 2012

• On Marriage...

  I've been seeing quite a few posts about things people learn by a certain point in time in their lives. Well, I am a true believer that some lessons can just absolutely not be learned until you are intimately involved in the situation and you walk that walk. Marriage is one of these situations. It's so easy to stand on the sidelines and say to someone, "well, try this..." but unless you've been there, you really just don't know what it's like, that and every situation and marriage is different. So here I have compiled a list of things that I have learned since being married.
  
  

   
  

  
  

  • You will not wake up every morning of your married life feeling as if your marriage were ripped out of the pages of a fairy tale. - Sometimes it will feel like anything BUT a fairy-tale.
    
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  • The chores will not always been evenly and fairly allotted. - Sometimes you just have to grin and bare doing ALL the chores.
    
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  • If something is not getting done, it is not beneath you or beyond you to just get up and do it yourself. - Actually this may happen quite often in your marriage/relationship.
    
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  • Talk about EVERYTHING. - When I was told that marriage requires communication I really thought that meant about the BIG issues; money, children, religion, etc. But really, this also means to talk about even the most trivial and seemingly insignificant things. People change over the years, their opinions change, their thoughts change, and the best thing to do to keep up with your partner's changes is to TALK. Even if it's about a silly commercial you saw on TV.
  • Part of being in a mature relationship is being able to talk about the hard stuff, the topics that neither of you want to go into but MUST be talked about. For example, the plan of action in the event of an unplanned pregnancy or loss of a job. It's better to get the uncomfortable conversation out of the way than to be blind-sided by how your partner responds to a stressful situation such as this. Don't live on the "what if's" but be prepared for them.
    
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  • You don't have to do every-single-little-thing-together. I have friends in relationships where they feel that they must be conjoined at the hip and there is hardly any alone time for each of them to themselves. They get so lost and wound up in each other that when one is suddenly not there, it's catastrophic, they have no idea what to do with themselves. No independence. Some people can handle and even enjoy this but for those who do not, do NOT be afraid to ask for some personal time (going to the mall, to the park, or even out to eat by yourself). You are two people working as one, not one big blob of love and rainbows.
    
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  • Civility is never beneath you. If you have a problem with his/her friends/family, tell her/him politely, don't bash the best-friend/family member. Also, still make it a point to be civil and kind to the people in your spouse's life that you don't necessarily like. - For example, one of my husband's best-friends from high school was a complete pessimist and ALWAYS picked on me when he would come over. It finally got to a point where I sat my husband down and explained to him that I did not appreciate the way his friend talked to me and that I would prefer if he went to hang out at his friend's house or if they met somewhere else but not at our home.
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  • When you love someone you expect the best from and of them. Dealing with your spouse's flaws and allowing them to do things that are completely reckless and dangerous to their well-being or yours are two different things. I don't mean if your hubby is a firefighter or your wife is a stunt-woman. Allowing your spouse to abuse you; emotionally, mentally, physically, or sexually, is NOT okay, no matter how much you love them. Allowing your spouse to do meth because it makes them happy, is NOT okay, no matter how much you love them. "I love you, but I won't love you to death."
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  • Don't count every good deed you do. - I don't suggest keeping "tabs" on all of the good and wonderful things that you have done for/to your spouse to later use as leverage. Actually, I don't ever suggest using ANYTHING as leverage, not even your undying love. But especially do NOT use sex as leverage either, can NOT stress this enough. Using sex against your partner is so absolutely not okay.
    
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  • Don't expect an outward show of gratitude and appreciation for every little thing you do. - In the midst of the daily grind it's easy for both parties to forget even a simple "thank you" to the other when they clean the entire house or get home from a long day at work, and that's okay. Don't always expect it. Part of being an adult and in a mature relationship is knowing your responsibilities and performing them without, one, having to be told, and two, expecting a reward for it. If you really need the verification that you have done well, then ask. I ask my husband often if he's proud of me and I make it a point to often tell him how proud of him I am for him getting up every morning and busting his ass to provide for us. But it doesn't always have to be in words. That "thank you" can be in a kiss or in breakfast in bed and especially in those three magical words, "I love you". That should say it all for you.
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  • Date your spouse - Make it a point to go on dates with your spouse, maybe even go do some of the things that you did when you were first dating. If you come into a rut and don't know what to do on a date or somewhere to go, ask people on Xanga (like I did, Lol) or your friends/family, they are FULL of helpful tips, advice, and places to go.
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  • On the matter of advice, don't feel as if you have to take every piece of advice from anyone who throws it at you. - Sometimes it's best just to thank someone for their advice and just take it with a grain of salt, so-to-speak. And for those who are pushy with what you SHOULD do and NEED to do in your marriage, don't be afraid to just tell them that while you appreciate their help, they are overstepping their boundaries.
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  • Don't give in to the horror stories others tell about marriage. - My husband and I both faced people who were more than happy to tell us about how little sex we'd be having, how little freedom we'd have, and how much misery we'd have in our marriage. Never allow this kind of outward pessimism to creep into your marriage, it'll tear it apart faster than anything. Nip it in the bud.
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  • Do NOT talk smack about your spouse to your friends and family. - This is one of the fastest ways you will damage your marriage, by implanting negative things about your spouse into those around you. And I promise, you'll get over it a LOT faster than they will. They'll carry around a certain image of your spouse if you tell them all these negative things and then when it comes to defending your spouse you're on your own. That and it's just plain disrespectful. If you have a problem with your spouse, take it to your spouse, not your best-friend, or especially your parents. >.< (Can you tell I've been there, done that??)
    
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  • Love your spouse. - This pretty much sums up all of the things I've talked about here. Do nice things, wonderful things for/to your spouse whether they do it in return or not. Never seek out "payback" toward your spouse (unless it's in a practical joke, hehe), or payment for things you have done. Always swallow your pride. Your marriage is not about how it can benefit you in your life... it's about working together, as one unit. Symbiotic, but not parasitic. There will be times when things don't go your way or at your pace. And above all, you may not always be in love with your spouse but you can still act like it, still treat them with dignity and respect.

  If you have something that you have learned about marriage or another situation in your life, feel free to tell me about it. Hope these have also helped some. =D I pray that I never post things that are detrimental to people. =/
  

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