Lately I have been pulling away from my more Christian-oriented posts and this has paralleled with what's really been going on in my life spiritually. See, I've been fighting with the Lord over something; something that He's asking me (or telling me, really) to do and I just plain and simply don't want to do it.
Be silent. Be still.
As simple as it may sounds it is not so for me and He knows it but it doesn't change the fact that this is what He's calling me to do.
Since moving here my heart has been centered around everything that I feel I lost, the friends and family I left behind. I see the blessing in it, though. I see that moving away has enabled me to break away from the things that I never had the guts to before. I see that it has helped me draw closer to Him and to my husband and my children. Really it has given us a whole new life. Before this my husband had lost his job three weeks before my scheduled C-Section. We almost lost everything but then a man gave us the opportunity of a life-time while asking for nothing in return but that we make the most of it. Well, me sitting here whining about how I feel is not making the most of it. >.<
My way of coping with all of this is by being constantly consumed with noise. Whether it's the TV, the radio, or both; even just the sound of my own voice in my head going a million miles a minute, there is always noise! I've often heard that in the noise He is drowned out. That we hear Him and feel Him in the silence.
As I am pulling away from Him into my own little nest of self-pity I feel Him telling me, "Be silent." I just don't want to. I don't want to face it. I don't want to go without them, my vices. In an attempt, however, to follow His direction I took a mini-vacation away from the computer; took a trip to Galveston with Matthew and Odelia, walked The Strand, window-shopped. It was nice. I thought, "there, I was silent". Oh no, not so. I don't get off that easily. See, He's not easy on me a whole lot, and though I know He could be much much harder on me, I am grateful for it. He and I both know I need it.
And He and I both know that my refusing Him is futile. It will get me nowhere and here I am, going nowhere, by my own fault.
Well, I give up. I give in. I am going to listen to You. I am going to be silent.
As hard as it will be, just because He loves us does not mean that He will make life easy-cheesy. Things will be hard but it is in Him that we will find peace, we just have to be obedient and I have not been so.
So, friends, please pray for me that I will continue to heed His call, no matter how difficult or painful it may be and sorry for yet another despondent post. I pray that everyone has a good and productive week. =)